But what do I want to take away? What do I want my kids to know when they read this later?
Everything I write here gets put together in books that are a family treasure of memories and pictures and stories and all kinds of things that would have otherwise been vaguely remembered. Our family reads the books together...we laugh and cry and warm our hearts to the story of us. The other day, in fact, the three kids and I were reading out of the book from 2008. I was reading a birthday letter I had written to Kyle on his 2nd birthday. I got to a part that was talking about the relationship between the two boys. I came to the part that said, "Barrett started preschool this year, and after we drop him off, you [Kyle] often will ask in a sad tone, “Where’s my Barrett?” It’s really so cute I could cry." Right then, I heard Barrett sniff and say, "I AM crying!" These stories remind us who we are, what we have been through together, and how much we care about each other.
So, while I would love to only write about our funny stories and good times, the difficult moments we experience are where we really grow as individuals and as a family. Our failures are what bring us closer to God and closer to each other. I want the kids to have a few of these stories to look back on and see that we were/are a real family with real problems and that we love and accept each other through it all. I am not going to describe here in detail every misstep that was made by those involved (Please know that it wasn't that bad and I'm not just too ashamed to put it in writing...that's not it at all!). That's not what's important to remember in the long run. What is important is what we do next. We learn, make amends, take responsibility for our part, forgive each other and ourselves, and try to make better choices next time.
The timing for this "Office Visit" was not great as I was already at my breaking point. We have been struggling for a month to get Annabelle much needed, very expensive medicine covered by insurance/prescription plan and running into roadblocks at every turn. Cody is out of town (and completely out of reach) until Sunday night and I somehow have to get a ton of work done...but wait, the kids are out of school on Friday (we didn't use a snow day that was on the calendar)...surprise...and now Barrett seems to be running a fever! But, I can't exactly plan these things for when it is convenient for me emotionally, I guess.
I am not going to excuse Kyle's behavior. He needs to be respectful and kind and learn follow school rules...period. There are rules in life that must be followed. We have taught and continue to teach our kids the importance of rules and obedience. We have talked in detail about how rules help everybody learn, and stay safe, and happy. We have pictures on our wall that remind the kids that they would rather live in a home with rules than without. This doesn't mean they are perfect and always follow rules. Nobody's perfect (not even parents) and mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. While it might initially be much easier on me if they would just follow all the rules all the time, I am glad that they have the guts to break the mold every now and then. Sometimes the rules need revisions. Sometimes the grown-ups in charge make mistakes. Sometimes it takes a bold kid breaking a few rules to call somebody's attention to some serious problems.
Kids are human beings with feelings and unique personalities and God made every single one different and perfectly imperfect...on purpose. Kyle is an exceptionally bright, creative person with so much curiosity and eagerness to learn. Having said that, you would think he would be a dream student. But no, being a very creative person sometimes means that you march to the beat of your own drum (sometimes viewed as uncooperative, non-conforming and non-compliant by teachers, etc.). Many creative types don't like routines or to be controlled and are often disorganized. I am very aware of the frustrations when dealing with these attributes. I know how hard it is with just 3 kids to get things going smoothly when one or more of them are not cooperating. I cannot imagine being a teacher and having to deal with 20-30 kids! I know many teachers who are fantastic at their very difficult job and I am so thankful for them. This is not about teachers in general. This is about a specific problem that has manifested in our tiny realm. I get impatient sometimes too, but I am trying to see the whole kid and understand that his motive is not to drive me crazy, but rather to experience the world in his own unique way. I respect that and I want to allow him the space to do that as well as teach him the social norms, acceptable conduct, and values that we uphold in our family.
I am a parent and that means I have to look out for what is best for my kids. I am not going to fight battles they can fight for themselves, but I am going to protect their hearts when they can't. That's just it. I know of things that have been said and done by his teachers that tell me he has this "Bad Kid" scarlet letter on his chest. And they are SO WRONG!! He is a GREAT KID! They don't understand him and probably many other kids just like him who are creative and have a creative personality type. He should be leading the class because the way he thinks, processes information, and figures things out is EXACTLY what this generation of kids will need to be successful. With the internet and abundance of information at our fingertips, we don't need to teach people to regurgitate information (that's what computers are for). Schools need to appreciate and cultivate high-level, creative, out-of-the-box thinkers, tinkerers and experimenters, rather than label them as trouble-makers!
I hope we can work with the school to get this "bad kid" label off of Kyle (and other kids with a creative personality type) before he starts to believe it and it spirals into a self-fulfilling prophesy. A child's self-perception is far too precious to allow it to be shaped by rumors and prejudgement.
A true story to illustrate the problem between a creative kid and a (over-stretched?) teacher:
One day I was in the carpool line watching my kids waiting for their names to be called. Kyle was sitting by himself and I saw him pour some of water out of his water bottle onto the concrete. Then he watched it and dragged his finger in it a bit. The teacher in charge called his name but he didn't respond. She went over to him and I saw her having stern words with him. She then walked him to the car, stuck her head in the door, and angrily told ME to tell him not to pour water all over the ground. I nodded only because she stood there waiting for me to respond, but I said nothing to her or to Kyle (maybe that's the creative personality in me, but seriously?! Does she scold God when it rains on the concrete?) As we drove off, I asked Kyle in a genuinely interested tone what he was doing with the water. He excitedly told me the was doing an experiment to see which way the water would spread and told me all about the unit they were doing in school about matter, solids, liquids and gases. If a teacher (one who is really interested in the minds of students) had heard everything he told me about matter, she would have been really impressed! He probably should have been paying attention to names being called to make things go smoother for the carpool line and for the teacher in charge. He wasn't not responding out of disrespect, but rather he was fully engaged in observation and internalizing what he had learned. Sometimes if we can just take a beat to ask and listen, everyone can learn something. Isn't that what school is supposed to be about? Pouring water on the concrete wasn't hurting or anyone or anything...no one was even getting wet. However, scolding him could have taught him that thinking and learning for himself is unacceptable. I do see harm in that.
When I got the call from school that Kyle had been sent to the office, I immediately felt this wave of mercy fill me. I was sad, but not angry, and not surprised. I felt very strongly that we needed to show him that we are on his side even when he messes up, and yet make sure he learns from the mistakes he made. I heard God telling me, "He has fallen down and you need to prop him back up and point him in the right direction." We had to do it in a way that put the responsibility for his actions on him. Kyle had 3 privileges suspended until he gets back on track for 5 days (his idea) and he wrote 2 letters of apology (my suggestion). While I expect Kyle to take responsibility for his actions, I do believe there were some indiscretions and errors in judgement made by others which snowballed and resulted in Kyle making some poor choices.
Some common characteristics of the Creative personality type include:
- Innovative
- Very creative; full of ideas
- Excellent conversationalist
- Enjoys debating topics with other people
- Places a great deal of emphasis on knowledge
- Dislike schedules and routines
- Good at leading others
- Does not like to be controlled
- Warm and enthusiastic
- Empathetic and caring
- Able to think abstractly and understand difficult, complex concepts
- Disorganized
- Strong communication skills
- Fun and spontaneous
- Highly creative
The following famous figures display a creative personality type:
- Charles Dickins, author
- Dr. Seuss, children's author
- Robin Williams, actor
- Will Smith, actor
- Charlotte Bronte, author
- Thomas Edison, inventor
- John Adams, U.S. president
- Theodore Roosevelt, U.S. president
- Alexander the Great, king and military leader
- Julia Child, cook
- Alfred Hitchcock, director
- Walt Disney, filmmaker
- Leonardo daVinci, inventor/artist
Kids, when you read this someday, I want you to know this:
1) We are a team, we are on the same side...even when mistakes are made. If a teammate falls down, you help them up.
2) The only person responsible for your choices is you. It doesn't matter whose idea it was, who did it first or whether you got caught. Remember, character is who you are when no one is looking.
3) You can come to us about anything...even if it is something you are not proud of.
4) Everyone makes mistakes, what's important is what you do afterward.
5) We believe in you.
"Be who you are, say what you feel. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss (a creative personality type himself.)
Side note: On Thursday, the school secretary wrote me a quick email (Kyle had to sit in the office during recess as a consequence to his behavior on Wednesday):
"I just wanted to let you know that Kyle came through the office today and he was so kind and so respectful. He is a great kid!"
