Mothers Day Confessions

To my wonderful kids,
I wish I could see into the future and see that you all turn out to be good, happy grown-up people.  Often, I feel I have done absolutely nothing to raise you that way or to set that example. Most days I feel like I have done so many things I wish I had done differently.   I almost never manage to be the mom I want to be in the heat of the moment.  Honestly, most days I go to bed thinking that I have once again failed as a mother.   Sometimes I ask God why He gave me THESE kids.  Sometimes I ask why He trusted these kids with ME?  I am so under-qualified for this monumental job.

I am not a perfect mother...it's not even close...big surprise, I know.  I have ZERO patience.  Most days, one of you goes to school without underwear (I think we all know who) and I don't stop you and make you go put it on.  I don't carry hand sanitizer in my purse, and I have let you boys pee behind a tree at the park on numerous occasions.  I don't always follow through with the consequences I threaten and I sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) fly off the handle without warning.  Sometimes baths don't happen as much as they should for you...or me for that matter.  I sometimes let getting the best photograph get in the way of a great family moment. Our dining room table is covered with laundry 95% of the time.  Seriously. Maybe even 97%. One day, one of you was looking for a particular shirt and I told you to look in the dining room and you said, in all seriousness, "Where's that?...Oh, you mean the laundry room?" Good thing we have a breakfast table for eating.  I am a chronic, incurable stacker...there are little piles of things I need to do all over this house...much of it is stuff I need/forgot to sign for school. The mere thought of taking you kids to the library gives me anxiety and yet I so admire the moms who have it together enough to go regularly...and they probably remember to return the books too!  The last (and only) time we went, I am pretty sure we exceeded the allowable indoor decibel level from the parking lot on the way in...and then again as I loudly whisper-yelled at you guys to "BE QUIET AND STOP RUNNING!"  Yeah, I bet those calm "library moms" don't open every food item in the grocery cart before paying for it just to get through the store without a meltdown either.  

I haven't even tipped the iceberg that is the list of my mothering flaws, but I think I have sufficiently established that I'm not a perfect mother.  However, there is NO ONE alive who knows you and loves you more than me. No one can decode the meaning of your cries like me.  I am the only one who knows when you need a hug or cuddle even when you say you don't.  I know exactly where and how to tickle you.  There is nobody else who knows what you will say and do before you do it...sometimes not even you.  When I would rock you as babies, I knew the instant you were asleep.  I am the one who can read your facial expressions and decipher your babble words.  When you are sad, my heart is breaking.  When you are happy, my heart sings.  When you struggle, I cry and lose sleep and pace the floor.  I can look at you and know exactly what you are thinking, what you did, why you did it, and how you feel.  When the rest of the world is throwing their hands in the air, surrendering hope of understanding you, I GET YOU.  On this deep indescribable level, I get you.  I know your heart and soul.  Because you are a piece of me.

I am not perfect, but neither are you and that's okay because God is.  God gave YOU to ME, a very flawed mom, because He thinks I am the perfect mother for you...and God doesn't make mistakes.  He thinks I am perfectly suited for you and your uniqueness and imperfections.  I believe He chose us for each other in order to grow each of us into better people and to bring us all closer to Him.  There are many days when I wonder why we can't just get through the day (or hour) without friction...but then I remember that like sand paper, friction smoothes out our rough edges and shapes us into beautiful creations.



But he said to me,  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 
2 Corinthians 12:9



Knowing everything I wish I had done differently, everything I have done and continue to do imperfectly, I know that all that is good and wonderful in you is from God.


I love you.

Love,
Your Flawed Mommy